I've seen an advert in a "Christmas presents for her" section of a magazine for a blackhead remover!!! Now can anyone imagine giving any woman a blackhead remover as a present? What is she supposed to say " Oo just what I need" or "I've always wanted a black head remover...." You'd be as well giving her a few face razors to go with it and perhaps a paper bag to go over her head.
The issue of buying presents for women is strewn with land mines and standing on one could see you getting panned or even divorced. I'll never forget the quite violent reaction I got when I naively and innocently asked Alison if she would like a pressure cooker for Christmas when she told me where she would put the pressure cooker were Santa to bring her one. Prior to that I had had problems when offering an expensive lawn mower as a love token at Christmas.
Now, as a seasoned ladies present buyer here are a few top tips for younger men about to head down that dangerous road of wife/ girlfriend Christmas present buying:-
1. The present must have absolutely no practical uses whatsoever. Useful presents like kitchen or garden implements are an absolute no no. I once gave an egg timer as a stocking filler only to find it had been 'accidentally' stood on 10 minutes later. A new George Foreman grill was equalled unappreciated. On the other hand something as useless as a red Indian wind catcher or a set of Russian dolls could earn you a lot of brownie points and perhaps even a bit of fun under the mistletoe.
2. Do not buy presents that you want to use yourself - the more astute woman will see through this ploy straight away. I once bought a lady a lager home brew kit and another a watch repair kit both of which I desperately wanted myself but the plan backfired and I ended up with tons of lager and fully working watches but, sadly, no woman.
3. Do not buy past the sell by date products or reduced items off well known web sites. I know it's tempting when looking for flowers for example to go for half price, well past the sell by date, half dead roses but avoid the temptation. I say this because any woman worth her salt will check the sellophane wrapper for tell tale signs of a hastily removed 'reduced' sticker and then your game will be well and truly up.Heavily discounted items must also be avoided. Remember that as soon as your back is turned your darling will be straight on to the internet to see how much you paid for her presents. For example if she finds out you've bought her an Oral B electric toothbrush as part of an Amazon lightening deal you can expect a night on the sofa. In this example you could be sentenced to two nights on the sofa as not only is the gift cheapo but it's also useful which, as I have said is not allowed. The more sensitive lady might also think that you are suggesting she needs to brush her teeth more which could have a serious impact on your relationship and in particular her willingness to snog you.
4. Finally try not to buy her the same thing as you bought her last year. Women have long memories and whilst you've probably long forgotten what you got her last year she will remember every detail of last year's present especially if she didn't like it. I'll never forget the reaction I got when I bought her the same watch two years running. I forgot I'd bought her the watch the year before since she never wore it because she didn't like it. I was sentenced to a 5 day huff for that one. Incidentally for some unknown reason watches are an exception to the ' nothing usefull' rule just as long as the watch is entirely decorative. Watches that have usefull features like telling you the time in London and Tokyo, alarms and stop watches are definitely not appreciated.
So gents please take care when shopping for your good ladies. Stick to top price, expensive and totally non practical things like jewellery and perfume and you should be ok. Clothes can be a good idea but be very careful about size. Buying a size 10 women a size 14 dress will immediately be taken as you telling her she is fat and that can have serious relationship and dietary consequences.