Travel

February My Father was diagnosed with the early stages of Bone Marrow Cancer. March On Friday 27 March (my Mother’s 88th birthday) I received a call from her asking me to find a nice “Nursing Home” for both she and my Father to live. This was an amazing step forward as I had been trying to suggest that they move to a Retirement flat a year or so prior to that. Their health was deteriorating and I know it took a lot of guts to admit this to themselves but they could no longer life safely in their own home. It was not easy to find a suitable Care Home as not many allowed me to visit and have a look around as by that time, we were well into complete lockdown. However, I did produce a report for my Father (who was always very business-like) highlighting what I considered to be the main 6 contenders and costs. I did find one and following my visit I thought if they were all just as suitable as that one so making a final choice might be rather difficult. April The plan was to go for 2 weeks respite on Tuesday 7 April (the first week had to be in quarantine) but during that time my parents had decided they would stay permanently. Their rooms had been re-arranged to allow both beds to be placed in one room allowing access via an inter-connecting door to their own lounge. My Father was given assistance when he had to attend the Western General Hospital for a blood transfusion towards the end of the second week. This left him very tired and within hours of his return had to be taken to Edinburgh Royal Infirmary and in a few days was diagnosed with COVID19. It was thought that he might not survive that weekend – but he did! May / June I was then told twice that he was in the final stages of his life. So, with my Mother safe back in the Care Home I spent 6 weeks dotting around from their house, the Care Home and the Royal Infirmary. I was not allowed access to either of them for quite a while and trying to disguise my voice on the phone as to what was really happening in the hospital was difficult. The staff phoned me ever day to keep me totally up to date with what was happening. Gradually he started to improve but I was informed for a second time that he may not even leave hospital. Thankfully the management and staff at the Care Home were on hand to explain the situation from a medical viewpoint to my Mother but I don’t think she really took it all in. Not at that point. Thankfully despite his age (88) my Father survived this dreaded virus and returned later in May to be with my Mother at the Care Home. He was very weak and suffering from post-COVID confusion, which we all hoped would eventually pass. COVID19 had speeded up the bone marrow cancer and Haematology confirmed to me that he was too frail to undergo any form of chemotherapy and that palliative care was the best solution. This was carried out by the Senior Nursing Staff at the Care Home. Their main aim was to keep him as comfortable and pain-free as possible. This they did with amazing expertise, compassion and respect. This in turn made it really difficult for my Mother and at times she felt lonely and isolated as gradually his ability to communicate coherently started to dwindle. Despite her own mobility problems, I encouraged the staff to start taking my Mother through to the resident’s lounge – this would possibly start to help her to join in a little more. As usual one of her most amusing phrases (and she is well known for her wit) was “mm I don’t fancy it much – it is full of old people!”. My grandmother was the same and she lived until she was 97. July / August / September I had to break the news to my parents that it was now sadly necessary to sell their car and even more importantly their home. Helped by good neighbours, friends (with cars). Endless taxis – so much so that one driver suggested we have our own Christmas Lunch! Ian, Steve, Stevie, Christopher and more – thank you all – you are great guys. House up for sale / cleaning and general improvements prior to photography ……… with very little external help due to COVID 19 guidance and regulations. Adhering to all the rules became quite frustrating as there were many offers of help and support, I was not allowed to accept. Removal firm from hell - not a good choice ……. Sacked ! Junk Removal firm – saved the day! 1 - 15 October I dealt with the sale of their house and car but clearing a house of 46 years of stuff and endless memories was I think one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. In fact, my Mother had her own version of Santa’s Grotto stored away in their attic. What to do with all those decorations, candles, tinsel etc – easy – donated them to the Care Home! Anyway, even my Father was keen that I write about not only his experience (some of which he had no recollection of whilst in hospital) but that I record what we as a family had experienced during this time. I am so grateful to the Doctors, Nurses and Staff at the Royal Infirmary and certainly the Manager and Staff at the Care Home. They have given me so much support and encouragement and helped me and my Mother through some really tricky emotional moments. I also feel that mention must be made of the love, help and devotion of my lovely Husband, his daughters, relatives, neighbours and some very special friends and many taxi drivers. Even the occasional text message from family further afield asking me how things were – meant a lot. 15 – 18 October – took a few says away at Dalmahoy ….. to try and re-charge my batteries. 20 October – first visit to see parents after house sale etc. As the cancer had now progress my parents had very diplomatically been moved into 2 separate rooms (next to one another). I spent time with Mum in her room and then moved through to speak with Dad. By this time he had become rather incoherent but he knew me and could reply when I said across the room “I love you Dad – today is Tuesday I will be back on Friday”. He raised his hand to wave across the room in recognition of this and I waived back. This was to be the last time I would see him alive. 21 October Sadly despite his struggle to survive my Father passed away on Wednesday 21 October. I truly believe that once he knew that the house and car were sold and all things “financial” had been taken care of, that it was time to breathe a sigh of relief. He also knew that my Mother was safe and he had spent the last 8 years as her carer and had totally focussed on her health and recovery from a massive stroke on 16 November 2012 (my Wedding Day) – I am saving that experience for another article. 22 October Spent the morning trying to come to terms with the events of the night before. Arranged the funeral over the phone with a splendid compassionate Funeral Director and his colleagues who made everything so straight forward. The next few days were spent in conversation with my Mum, as well as Funeral Directors and their staff. At this point I think both of us were still in a state of disbelief. The staff and the residents at the Care Home were all so sympathetic. The next few weeks were spent making arrangements and trying to convey the message that we were only allowed 20 attendees at the Funeral. I was quite glad as I don’t think I could have coped with any socialising after the Mass and Cremation. It was a little weird choosing hymns for a funeral with no singing allowed by the congregation. Still, this meant I could choose hymns sung by some of the best entertainers with a full chorus and orchestra – my Father would have love that! 3 November I arrived at Strachan House to help get my Mother dressed (we had a rehearsal a few days before). She looked great and assisted by one of the carers who has been specially chosen to assist my Mother throughout that day. Everything went well – if you can describe a Funeral as that – but it did! In March I would never of imagined delivering my own Father’s Eulogy. Time for Reflection …….. It was now time to reflect on the last 9 months and think about how the experience has affected me. I hve been so busy organising parents, house sales, financial matters, funerals, that I scarcely set aside any time to grieve. I appreciate all the help and support we received from Hospitals, Care Home staff, family and some very special friends. I could not have asked for more but at the end of the day my personal feelings about my Father’s death were eased as I was told that he probably would not survive COVID9 and he did. My next challenge is to deal with my Mother’s grief which has manifested itself in various ways. The staff at the Care Home are very much aware of this and support her very well. One of my first new challenges was to try to re-adjust my sleeping pattern as the tiredness which had built up over the past few months was massive. Getting there now with the help of retail therapy (when I can). Possibly another couple of days away from home on the golf course might help. 8 December 2020 What now ……. Well, no one can answer that except to just keep going and hope for the best – that is the key word “hope” we can never give up on hope. The next year will come with further and new challenges but I think now that I have re-charged some of the batteries, I know I will able to face them all! 13 December 2020 As I predicted my Father’s death became quite real today. There is a Friary where I would head for where I might find some sort of spiritual seclusion, just for a while away from everything and everyone. I think as it is just over the Border that it probably remains closed until further notice. Perhaps I will find somewhere closer to home. Another good friend has recommended a Monastery in Perth – so I think that as early as I can in 2021, I will head there and not even take my phone (now that will be a challenge), and hopefully find the “spiritual” Jacqui again. Right now, I am starting to feel quite angry, frustrated and I just want to shout a lot – thankfully we do have a rather smart balcony so watch out neighbours …. I don’t seem to have as much patience as I used to – again maybe that will come back to me next year. 21 December 2020 News today is the cancellation of our 2 night stay away for Hogmanay. The golf course will have to wait. Jacqui Smith Sub-Editor talkoftheday.net December 2020

Read More