The Government has hinted again that obese people are to be locked down should there be a second wave of cv19. This set me thinking as to how this would work? Would we have the fatty police knocking on doors with sets of scales demanding to know your weight? I can imagine it , “ step on the scales please sir.....16 stones and 5’4”....what a Billy Bunter so your locked down for sure “. Of course people like me who carry a little bit of puppy fat will argue that the scales must be wrong or it’s just a thick jumper they are wearing or that they are big boned but this argument will no doubt fail and an enforced tubby lockdown will be enforced along with a court order for dietary retraining and a compulsory 21 day Scarsdale Medical diet. People on tubby lock down will be refused on line shopping unless they use the Asda or Tesco Lite list which will be carefully planned to make sure users can’t buy lashings of cream cakes washed down with gallons of non diet Irn Bru.
I also wonder where it stops? What if they find out that people with long noses are susceptible to cv19? Will we then have the nose police round measuring our noses “4.5 inches that’s a massive hooter ....even beats Pinocchio ...your locked down indefinitely” or what about red heads who could be shown to be more susceptible “ right Ginger there will be no pubbing for you 'cos your locked down with all the other freckly ginger nuts” “ but Mr Hair policeman I’m actually grey I just dyed it red to make me look younger ...” “ a likely story, tell it to the judge”.
Cat owners could be first in line after us fatties. I can imagine cat detector vans patrolling the streets looking for illicit cats “excuse me madam but our wall piercing radar tells us you have an illegal pussy in this house” “ no I haven’t” “ yes you have” “ it’s only my wee Rosie and she’s an indoor cat and never goes out” “ doesn’t matter off to the pound with her and your locked down”.
Smokers are said to be immune to cv19 so will we all get ordered to smoke 20 a day? Big or flat feet is another thing as they have been blamed for many things over the years and it’s easy to imagine the Claude Hoppers of this world coming a cropper with the feet Gestapo. “where do you think you going with your size 14 feet Mr Harris?” “ I’m off to get a newspaper” “ you lie you dirty spy your off to spread covid with those massive plates and you must be punished so your locked down and your canoe like shoes confiscated”
Complications could arise. I once knew a woman called Betty from Kirkcaldy who was a 25 stone chain smoking red head with a massive nose, small feet and 3 cats, where would she stand? “ well madam Betty, we’ve had to refer your case to our technical division for advice...”.
People who wear glasses could be in trouble with shops putting up signs “people with 2 eyes only please”. What about beards ? “stay at home, shave your goaty, protect the NHS”.
In fact very few people will be safe under the new approach and the streets will be thronging with sharp sighted, chain smoking skinny Minny’s with short noses, small feet and no cats.